One thing that was of MAJOR importance to mean for this wedding was enforcing the concept of R.S.V.P.
For most Americans or those who have lived in the U.S. for a number of years are very aware of the concept of R.S.V.P., however, when it comes to most Nigerians (even those who are very aware of this concept) it becomes a foreign thing when requested to do so for a wedding.
I mean, is it really that hard? If this was an American wedding, Nigerian guests would have R.S.V.P'd with no problem, but because they know it's a Nigerian wedding, all of sudden, "it can't be done". Of course, the bride and groom (or the parents of) should ALWAYS know that you'll attend their events (Really? I should just assume that you have nothing else to do with your day, so you'll ALWAYS come to any event that you're invited to). In this day and age with harder economic times, you'd think others would be more considerate (but I guess it's never like that when it's not your money being spent), but I digress.
I offered my invited guests 2 different ways to be able to R.S.V.P:
- Online through our wedding website
- Phone through voicemail service
I impressed upon my mother, as well as my husband's family to inform people that the wedding was invitation only and that RSVPs were required. Of course, my and my husband's friends were the first to get their R.S.V.Ps in. I sent emails, texts, and facebook messages to every guest that I could to try my best to ensure that we would get people to do this.
And while many did, there were many that did not. The reason that I required R.S.V.P. is because I was implementing a seating chart for the reception, therefore, I would need to know who and who was not attending. By the day of the wedding, there were several people who had to wait to be seated (as opposed to being able to go right in with guests who had reserved their seats) because they forgot to R.S.V.P. As far as I know, we also had at least 5 crashers who were able to get seats due to guests who R.S.V.P'd but didn't show up (which I calculate to be at least 7 people).
This BY FAR, was the one thing that caused alot of headache and stress. However, all in all, I would do it again. What about you? As an African bride, would you implement R.S.V.P.ing at your wedding?
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15 comments:
I tried to get people to R.S.V.P for my wedding which was this past september but it didn't work. I even went as far as getting them to announce at church but my naija people didn't care. I also wanted it to be an adult only event but trust your people to bring their children. overall it was a great event and i would not change anything.
Same here! We sent 60 invitations (not counting 30 planned family members). We got about 120 guests, some had to wait for others to leave. I got 7 RSVPs in total, so let me tell you that planning for the food was a total chaos. I just did as I could. Thanks God my in-laws cooked a lot of food and more than half of the food at the wedding went to a waste. There was too much food, and so much variety that people were confused and didnt eat that much.
The other I have to say is that people dont care about it being an all adult event. My own was even a traditional wedding so I thought ppl would really be considerate. But no, kids were running around everywhere and it was annoying but overall it was a beautiful wedding, much better than expected.
i hate to sound harsh... but it seems like you brought the stress on yourself. if you know that's how nigerians are...why bother? MOST cultures in this world don't follow that rsvp stuff. it's just in yankee and england. Indians have the BIGGEST weddings ever and spend their whole lives saving up for one, and you don't see them bothering themselves about rsvps. so why waste time trying to turn nigerians into americans? why is america your standard? were weddings invented in yankee? and WHY did you bother with a seating chart? didn't you know you'd just be causing yourself unnecessary headache? if you want to really cut down on guests, the trick is to do a destination wedding. that way you DEFINITELY know who's coming.
@Anonymous: You prob won't come back to read this but I will respond anyways. You are very correct in that I brought the stress upon myself however, weddings in general are stressful events.
I don't know if you've ever planned a wedding or are married, but the only way to avoid stress during a wedding is to have a courthouse wedding or elope. Otherwise, EVERYONE has an opinion, especially your family.
My husband and I originally wanted a destination wedding however, it was heavily impressed upon us not to do so by our parents, so as to our parents we accommodated that wish. And we did so even though we paid for our ENTIRELY ourselves without any financial assistance from either sides of the family.
It's funny you bring up Indian weddings as a comparison, but you say not to turn Nigerians into Americans which is hypocritical. America is my standard because I was born here. "When in Rome, do as the Romans". Obviously, the standards in the U.S. are something that Nigerians strive for or else they wouldn't bother giving up an arm and leg to get here. You don't say to Americans that come to Nigeria to do things the American way.
Nevertheless, thank you for your point of view as you can always see when someone hasn't been in the position of the person who's point of view you're telling.
madam anonymous are you married yet? If you were you would know how expensive it is to have a wedding. it has nothing to do with wanting an american wedding or not. its her day and she can have it the way she wants. Destination wedding doesn't always work for everyone just b/c you have close family members and friends that would not be able to afford that type of trip. i agree that the sitting chart is a little too much but its still her day. I had people nobody knew at my wedding. people that we don't talk to just show up just to see. thats not fair to the couple. Sometimes you are limited to space and you have to work with what you have. Hope i didn't offend anyone, just trying to explain.
RSVPs were the bane of my existence when I was planning my wedding. Other Nigerian brides I have talked to who have had their weddings in Houston have had the same problem. The nicer reception venues charge per head so it is necessary to get a somewhat accurate head count. I did do a seating chart for my wedding although I had a few tables that were for folks that didnt RSVP. Funny enough a lot of people RSVP'd AND brought their invitation to the wedding to ensure they got in because in their words I was marrying an oyinbo and they didn't know what to expect ;) In the end it worked out for me but not without much worrying and wahalla!
@Amy: I'm sure it must have been a HUGE headache for you. You had 2.5x the guests more than I did.
Definitely. RSVP is important cause it helps you plan. All for it
Adiya
http://museorigins.com
I definitely would go with RSVP's. Like you NaijaQueen, I went the whole nine yards and I was not born here but grew up here most of my life. In my case I had to do seating charts, table cards, a list of names, and I STRESSED RSVP's because I rented a hall where I had to pay per person. Our total guests were to be 300 but because my venue was a little far and I stressed the Invitation Only thing. Some ppl thought 2ce before they showed up unannounced. It's only fair. My cousin had a huge wedding, and half of the ppl that showed up he did not know them. I learnt from that mistake. And I was very glad with my turnout. Only thing I would say is that I ended up having to keep all the table name cards after the wedding and found it hard to just throw them away. It's been a year now and I have them tucked away in a box in storage.
@Anon, 2:50p: It's very true that most don't understand that you're paying per person and what is one to do? I've heard of weddings getting really out of hand with crashers (crashers amounting to half of the guests or more) and that it costs money.
I brought up Indian (that country has 1 BILLION in poulation) weddings as an example of how MOST of the world DOES NOT BOTHER with rsvp's. Eastern Europeans, South americans, asians, Africans aren't really into the RSVP culture (i know i'm stereotyping but bear with me). So we shouldn't make rsvp's the standard and judge people (our own people for that matter) because they couldn't get with the idea of an RSVP. Its like telling everyone that they should eat with chopsticks at your wedding and getting mad because they don't.
I just find it so funny that we stress ourselves over the RSVP issue. and while i'm not married, I have actually had to plan AND pay for a wedding. So I think I know what i'm saying. I also know that most of the stress that comes with being a bride is self inflicted. Yes, your family and everybody will have their own two cents. But guess what, that's why some people just don't bother with it all. Hence why i mentioned court weddings or destination weddings. At the end of the day, if RSVP's are important to you, then expect to be stressed. If what you want is minimum stress, then run to the courthouse. My point is that with each choice, comes certain stresses and sacrifices. If you choose a hall that charges per head, then OF COURSE you're going to have trouble making sure you have the right count. Its almost impossible to get the count down perfectly (even if its a completely american wedding!). If you choose a hall that doesn't care how many people are there (as long as its not a fire hazard), then that choice also has its own wahala.
At the end of the day, what is the most essential part? That you marry whom you love. Centerpieces, tableclothes, party favors, they all add to the experience, but all the fuss we make over them before the wedding...won't do much for you after the wedding. Nobody but the bride will care as much about what happens, and yet on the day of the wedding, it all goes by so fast and no one is really going to remember what centerpiece or tablecloth you used (unless they're scoping it for their own wedding.lol )
Anyhoo my point was also that you should not expect a mostly Nigerian crowd to do things the American way (or anybody else's way for that matter. and no i wasn't telling Nigerians to be Indian. please reread what i wrote). The American way works for Americans (and mind you this wasn't always the American way). Most of the world isn't like America. (and Most of America isn't aware of what's outside their country.) I dont think you should call me a hypocrite for saying that. I dont know what is hypocritical about that. yes i mentioned India. but only to show you that other large countries and the rest of the world aren't really into rsvps like that. and yet their weddings are still fun and beautiful (and many people around the world love how colorful they are). Yes, a lot of people want to 'live' in America...but that doesn't mean they want to adopt everything about American culture. Those of us raised abroad can testify to how much our parents kept telling us to take the best of what the Country has to offer and leave the rest (re: behavior wise). Back in the day, the worst insult my parents could give me was to tell me i was "acting" like an American. Am i the only one whose parents used to say this? Surely not o.
So sorry ooooo. I'm sure you're sensitive about the issue I just want you to hear that my overall point is that there's no need to insult Nigerians for that. And just like Sasi Malia said above..."overall it was a beautiful wedding." and thats what counts.
@Anon, 10:39a:
Although you may have planned and paid for a wedding, you, yourself were not the bride. Your time will come when you have to make the decision of doing a destination wedding (which isn't necessarily any less stress) or a court wedding versus doing a regular wedding with 100+ guests. Since you've planned a wedding before and see how much stress is involved, should I assume that you'll be doing a court wedding to avoid it?
It's not so much that I have a problem with guests agreeing to do the RSVP. It's more the reaction to it when they have to suffer the consequences of it. Trying to bumrush the door of the reception hall or yelling at hostesses because you have to wait to be seated because of your own lack of preparation is discourteous at the very minimal, simply because you didn't RSVP when you were told to do so.
Yes, everything is a choice and one has to suffer the consequences of that choice. I made the choice to take on the stress of not only dealing with RSVPs, but a 200+ person wedding. But that's not to say that my wedding wasn't beautiful because I did so. I'm not saying if you choose not to do RSVPs for your own wedding (or event for that matter) that it won't be a great event. But I shouldn't be criticized because I did so.
The criticism to Nigerians comes in the capacity that many Nigerians feel entitled, and as I said, yelling at hostesses, etc., is not the proper way to handle a situation just because you didn't do what you were asked to do.
But again, thank you for your point of view!
I disagree with the anonymous comment that said the best way to know who's definitely coming is to have a destination wedding - I had a destination wedding in Malta and they are some people that we didn't know were coming until they showed up in Malta ! And yes some of these people actually bought expensive tickets, applied for visas to travel and still didn't bother to RSVP - go figure...
i dont recall saying your wedding was less or more beautiful ( i wasn't even there!). I just think that it was unfair to criticize an entire nation of people for not doing things the way another nation of people do. If people are shouting at your hostesses, yes its wrong. but i've seen oyinbo people, asians and indians do the same thing. i just don't think it was fair of you to shout about how nigerians are or are not, because they don't understand what is arguably a foreign concept.
and as for the other commentator. i actually don't think one has to be the bride to feel the stress. i know some brides who had nothing to do with the planning at all (and the stress was left to others), and literally showed up on the day ready to get married...as well as brides who planned every single detail of the wedding (before they even met their future husband). at the end of the day. ITS ALL YOUR CHOICE. whatever choice you make, comes with its own stress.
I tried to make my wedding INVITATION & ADULTS ONLY but completely skipped over the RSVP situation. I paid and prepared for accomodations for 400. Around 600 people showed up with their kids, utter chaos, lol. MY hubby and I were looking at our wedding pictures like who ARE these people, lmaoo! It was pure craziness but being the only daughter and him being the only son I honestly dont see how we could've escaped that :-(
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